Defending Dads

Of course, they can’t. They grow up…you just grow old. But the process needn’t be so cut and dried. Try to grow with your kid(s). Try to follow the guidelines you set for them. Pardon the cliché, but try to lead by example.

This is exhaustive work and Heaven knows I don’t always get it right, but what are the alternatives? We are responsible for them being here and these days, that doesn’t end once they turn 18.

In the world they will inherit, even blue collars are being bleached white. Without higher education, how will your child fare in a service driven economy?

After the financial catastrophe of divorce, the question of how to cover — or at least help the kids to cover — skyrocketing college tuition, lodging and materials costs has kept me awake many a night. Addressing this situation and sharing information gleaned during that process is definitely within the scope of this blog.

Man, if you think you’re hemorraging cash now, just you wait…but some sound advice, careful preparation and a little (or a lot of) discipline could soften the blow.

For guys not accustomed to planning fun time for wee ones, the prospect of a whole day with them can trigger anxiety attacks. I should think most dads place tremendous pressure on themselves to make a day with the kid(s) not just fun, but an extravaganza. Boys, these kiddie places see you coming like hungry lions hiding in high grass see herds of antelope.

As dads acting on our own, we have enough on our minds that it may not occur to us to look into things moms seem to know of instinctively, e.g. Groupon, LivingSocial and the like. With summer vacation fast approaching, I am all about learning to use such tools. As a veteran of two summer bloodlettings, I’m looking for discounts on Happy Meals. This year, I’ll be loaded for bear, baby, carrying a valise stuffed with coupons organized by category.

It seems to me the game with kiddie places is to get you in for whatever price, then soak you for the cheesy merchandise that draws kids like gold diggers to diamonds. It took some self-discipline to conquer guilt brought on by the disappointment in those little upturned faces whenever I said “no”, but I got there. It was either that or surrender my car to the bank. Shucks, these places are getting so expensive, they need to install casino-style kiosks where you can mortgage your house on site.

For the more athletic, adventurous or cash-strapped of us, there are always park expeditions, bike riding, playgrounds or free or inexpensive museums. An online search will turn up all kinds of free events or destinations that are about the kids and not the commerce. I learned early that you’ve got to do your due diligence — or pick the brain of any single mom you know.

I try to plan a mix of paid and free activities for our days…and sneak in a little tutoring between “wow” time. Sometimes, I’ll get a notion and we’ll just wing it. Regardless, I use the time to reinforce the unique bond I have with each child through observation of their behavior, asking open-ended questions and sharing chuckles whenever possible. When they’re grown and I’m God knows where, my hope is that the memories we create now will carry them through the worst of times later.

We live in the information age. If there were such a thing as a phone booth anymore, a bear couldn’t pass wind in one without a TMZ crew showing up to capture the moment and a sound bite. Power on, open browser and WOOSH: A tsunami of data at your fingertips. Trouble for parents is it’s exceedingly tough to shield tech savvy kids empowered with smartphones and tablets from accessing this torrent of largely useless and often false information. As a single dad, you have to try.

My kids are both younger than 10. Admittedly, I don’t fumble with parental controls on their devices and I don’t typically review their browsing histories or text exchanges. The parental controls issue is something way down on the To-Do List and I don’t poke into their business because I respect their fledgling senses of privacy. Still, I have my concerns with them learning too much too soon and/or encountering would-be predators.

As I evolve into single parenthood, I know that the matter of Web safety needs to be addressed, but to what extent? No one flags YouTube videos for foul language anymore. Video games seem intent on preparing kids for careers in forensic pathology. Even the average pop song is loaded with sexual innuendo and references to substance abuse. Add to that that the kids’ peers are already into these things and the horses are already out of the barn. Hell, they’re on a chartered bus to North Dakota, even.

My current stance is to monitor what I’m hearing from or seeing on their devices and react to what I find objectionable. I tell the kids to change the song, game or video and explain why. Sometimes, they change these of their own accord — in my presence. But what do they do when I’m not around?

I figure being a parent means accepting that trying to control a maturing, curious child is like trying to change the direction of the tide. The smart move is to guide without seeming to guide and discipline without seeming to discipline.

When you hear your child listening to a sexually suggestive song, see him playing a particularly violent game or watching a video loaded with foul language, gently express why these things are not appropriate for them. Younger kids generally crave their parents approval, so it’s likely they will move on to something else with some understanding of why a change was necessary. This way, boundaries are set without confrontations. Of course, this is no guarantee that the kids will not repeat the discouraged behavior outside of your presence, but at least they will know your expectations.

I’m a plain spoken person, but parenting has taught me that straight talk has limited reach with kids. It’s a process, people.

Blogging about a topic as polarizing as family law reform has quickly taught me to tread lightly. That’s fine. I seek only to increase opportunities for concerned fathers to be just that. I have no issue with family laws that protect women from abusive and/or negligent partners. This is an important distinction.

I was not a perfect husband and I am not a perfect father. Jesus Christ walked the earth over 2,000 years ago. He might have been perfect, but no one before or since has come close. Still, a person who truly loves their family tries. They try with all they have. I tried. It wasn’t enough. That’s OK, but others who find themselves in the position in which I found myself will definitely benefit from the resources made available to them via this blog.

I’ve been told many times that divorce is seldom accomplished amicably. I do not disagree. However, with a more level playing field for husbands/fathers who have not been unfaithful or abusive, the financial and emotional devastation that often accompany divorce can be minimized. As they should be. Any middle class adult who has strived to build an infrastructure for their family must cringe at the thought of watching helplessly as it is ravaged by an unscrupulous attorney blithely acting on behalf of a short-sighted spouse empowered by laws intended to benefit those whose lives may be endangered. Better than half the content of the Investigation Discovery network is dramatizations of divorces gone horribly wrong due to such injustices.

I do not want to see anyone hurt. I do not want to see anyone battling depression. I do not want to see children wondering when their father is coming home. I do not want to see anyone bankrupted by exorbitant and arbitrary legal fees. I do not want to see a child’s college fund liquidated without due consideration. I do not want to see the sanctity of home stripped away from anyone who does not deserve it.

Above all, I do not want to be misunderstood.

Divorce, thank whatever god you worship, is a finite process. When yours is over, you are likely to feel a sense of relief that might take the breath from your lungs. And then what?

Depending on the details of your split and/or the age of the child(ren), you may now be responsible for:

• caring for the child(ren) overnight;
• grocery shopping;
• medical issues that arise during visitation;
• preparing meals;
• providing proper bedding;
• laundry;
• entertainment;
• helping with homework;
• hosting or attending social engagements;
• attending fund raisers/school events; and
• helping your child(ren) to adjust to the new normal.

This list is hardly exhaustive. They say it takes a village to raise a child. An aircraft carrier crew might be more like it. As this blog develops, tips on how to negotiate this breakneck learning curve will be incorporated. For now, you guys are on your own. It’s nap time while I can get it!