Category: Uncategorized Page 5 of 14
No one lives forever. Not even matriarchs. But when matriarchs die, those who had been under their influence are buffeted by shock waves long after the event.
My grandmother Ruby had been perched atop my maternal family tree for some sixty years. She had six children. I am the only child of her eldest daughter, born three years after Ruby’s youngest. Ruby had been my guardian for so much of my childhood that, in the eyes of many of our relatives, I am her seventh child.
Ruby had a strong personality. Her difficult life demanded that. While I understand and respect this, to hone my personality, I needed to escape the umbrella of hers. And I did. I estranged myself from my maternal family for seven years.
I relocated my former wife and children to Pennsylvania during the estrangement. Then, the unthinkable happened: My marriage began to fail. The tension in my home had grown so intense, even months before papers were filed, I was compelled to live elsewhere for a time. My grandmother gave me shelter, no questions asked.
Eventually, I returned to my home. Despite counseling and making every reasonable effort I could to heal my home, nothing improved. In fact, things grew worse. And in the middle of this were the innocent babies I would never have brought into the world under such circumstances. The only family they had ever known was a shambles. Then, the papers were filed. Soon after that, I was evicted from my home…though I was still responsible for the mortgage.
This was the cruelest blow to me because I understood the implications for my children of our sudden, court-imposed separation. I was crushed. I called Ruby. Once again, she gave me shelter, no questions asked.
I stayed with Ruby for over a year as I fought to maintain my connection with the kids, worked, paid down bills and weathered the storm of a needlessly contentious divorce. I could see even through this deluge of issues that Ruby was fading, but I found it difficult to accept. She had been in and out of the hospital several times before eventually succumbing to a variety of ailments last August.
Neither I nor my immediate family were prepared for Ruby’s death. She had been the heart and soul of our family for so long, it was all but impossible to imagine a world without her. Ironically, she had equipped us so well with the tools to handle adversity that we jumped right into that world, strange place that it was.
I moved back to Pennsylvania and focused on establishing myself there not long after Ruby’s passing. I left her apartment vacant and, as I continued to deal with grief, the divorce and sustaining my life, failed to maintain tenancy. I needed to be close to my children. The decision for me was easy.
In seemingly the blink of an eye, a year went by. Ruby’s possessions remained in the apartment. I was the member of her immediate family living closest. No one appointed me to any role. Clearing out her place was something I simply had to do.
“You don’t understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it.”
When I previewed this video, it brought a tear to my eye…because it was so awful! But it had to happen.
And what are you laughing at? Don’t think I didn’t see you on that Worst-Dressed Shoppers at Walmart video. People in glass houses and all.
Fast food is seldom good food, and if it is good food, it’s expensive. Considering that most single dads without a publishing credit for the song “Happy” are on a budget, how can we eat smart for less? What are our options?
I keep it simple: BJ’s Wholesale Club and my George Foreman Grill.
BJ’s Wholesale Club Official Logo
George Foreman Official Site
I sneak into BJ’s as early as possible and snatch up some variation of the following:
- a 50-lb. pack of chicken breasts, pork chops or steak;
- five-gallon drums of soy sauce, minced garlic or whatever premixed marinade; and
- Hefty bag-sized packages of frozen sweet potato fries, fresh broccoli, zucchini and spinach
I’m kidding about the sizes, but I’m writing about BJ’s. No one goes there to buy a single onion because they only sell them by the truckload.
When I get the stuff home, I prep the meat as follows:
- wash it;
- use a steak knife or ice pick to perforate it;
- divide it into two or more groups, each of which I place into a large Baggie;
- prepare a different marinade for each Baggie, my favorite being the soy sauce and minced garlic;
- apply these marinades to the respective Baggies; and
- seal the Baggies up, throw some in the fridge and the rest in the freezer
After a couple of hours, the meat in the fridge will be ready for the grill.
Veggies are easy. I wash them, slice or chop the zucchini, broccoli and spinach then drop portions of each into storage bins.
When it’s time to cook, I preheat my oven to 425°, line a baking tray with tin foil, spray it with vegetable oil, pour out a batch of frozen sweet potato fries into the tray, then let that cook for 20-30 minutes, turning the fries at the half-way mark.
Next, I lay out two large pieces of tin foil on a counter and spray them both with vegetable oil. I drop a portion of veggies into one piece of foil, sprinkle it with adobo, pepper and a little lemon juice, then spread out three slices of butter on top. I wrap the foil into a packet around the veggies. I plug in the grill, then place the foil packet on the upper section of the grill closest to the hinge and let it cook. The packet allows the veggies to cook in a mixture of butter, lemon juice and seasonings.
I place the second piece of foil on the lower half of the grill furthest from the hinge. I make sure there is enough to fold over to protect the upper jaw of the grill during cooking while not overlapping the veggie packet. I throw my marinated meat on the second sheet of foil, fold that over the meat, then close the grill.
At this point, my sweet potato fries are about half done. I pull them out of the oven, flip ’em and put ’em back in for another 10-15 minutes. I use the down time to clean up.
Within the next 15 minutes, I have a seriously appetizing, nutritious meal ready to eat.
Within 25 minutes, I have an empty plate and not a whole lot to clean up. See, the foil has protected the grill surface. After cooking, the foil can be tossed and a quick wipe down of the grill is all the cleaning to be done.
Next, I slip on pumps, a string of pearls and vacuum the living room!
Photo credit to Laura Clayton via Pinterest
Tough week for me. Worst all summer, but my head feels right today. Time to jump back into the fray.
Could it be that it’s Friday? Who knows, but I won’t over think it. All of a sudden, I have a fledgling social media conglomerate to manage.
As far as the blog, I’m closing in on 100 posts, a huge milestone. For years, I had trouble maintaining the discipline to write daily. While I miss time here and there — e.g., Northampton County Corrections Officers don’t hand out laptops with jumpsuits — I’ve done pretty well.
I’ve proven to myself that I can follow things through. If I can do this, I can maintain my Twitter and FB pages. I can start an Instagram page and a YouTube channel as well. Once those are in place, I can resume my electronic assault on the media, who, on my grandma’s grave, will know my pain and that of fathers across the country. Those are next.
Then, there is the pièce de résistance, my holy grail — Damned Good Sense, the book I’ve tried to finish for years.
Chip away,
Chip away,
Rome wasn’t built in a day
Even as I continue to build the foundation for my Foundation, I face parallel challenges of at least that magnitude. I am a middle-class, suburban dad of two. Kids are expensive, though I never had a problem giving everything I could to them, and as any parent knows, that’s got to be plenty. Let’s review:
- Shoes and clothing;
- School supplies;
- Organized activities;
- Holidays, birthdays and occasions, not just for them, but for their peers and relatives as well;
- Food;
- Fun days; and
- Toys, electronics and sundries
There is the house to think of. Owning a house isn’t simply about securing and paying a mortgage. Oh no. Houses have plenty of moving parts and related expenses. Here are just a few:
- Utilities:
- gas;
- water;
- electric; and
- sewer
- Maintenance:
- cleaning;
- painting;
- home owners’ association fees;
- Service contracts for the air conditioning unit and water heater;
- various repairs to appliances and the structure itself; and
- Landscaping, even in the limited fashion I do it
- Improvements, whatever shape they might take and strictly subject to approval by the Home Owners’ Association
And out in the burbs, reliable transportation is a must. We all know about car notes, insurance, registration, tires, oil changes, emergency repairs and regular service. Of course, in my case, I’m forced to carry the note on a second car that doesn’t even run!
Then, there are the most important ongoing challenges of them all: the fight to maintain my relationship with the kids and cleaning up the legal mess of what should have been a simple, painless divorce.
The hands are full, the thoughts are presently clear, the body is willing and the flesh is strong. Do I somehow feel better because it’s Friday? Not really. I’m just happy I can get off the stool to face another round. Thank God for that.
This blog is powered by WordPress, a robust site building system that allows for extensive customization. Users can choose from a number of pre-designed themes, color schemes and layouts, add prepackaged plugins, widgets and apps or, if technically adroit, manually modify the underlying templates. I’ve found WordPress to be very effective.
Years ago, before there was a WordPress or similar tools, amateur webmasters had to fend for themselves. Web surfers encountered many sites that looked like this:
Clearly, that site lacks a professional touch, elegant design and user-friendly organization. The background could induce seizures. Even if the site features the most revolutionary content on the web, its poor design detracts from its credibility.
Even with such powerful tools as WordPress, most sites require further customization depending on content. Now that I have a GoFundMe page and Twitter and Facebook accounts set up for this cause, I need to integrate those endeavors with the blog. I see how that can be done, but doing so calls for reorganization of the blog’s existing content and, as I’ve noted, properly tagging nearly 100 posts. And I need to do all of this while finishing a book and battling about fifty fires beyond the scope of this blog.
Now, it boils down to prioritization and time management. Prioritization? No problem. Time management? Perfectionism sometimes interferes with that. Occasionally, my fear of botching something I’ve never done before leads to procrastination. Once I think I have a proper window to complete the troublesome task, I go to it and do well, but I’m subject to redo a thing until I think it’s right. Nobody’s perfect…least of all a perfectionist! Once I get medical benefits again, I’ll get a little therapy for that. But I digress. I acknowledge that I have a blog full of powerful content and I need to take things to the next level. I ain’t scared.
My vision is to tap into as many permutations of social media as possible to further the cause of dads emotionally and financially devastated by the courts and, due to strained relationships with their exes, alienated from their kids. This is a pervasive phenomenon and certain officers of the court and unbalanced women have got away with bloody murder for too long.
I keep thinking “full circle”. I did my job as a husband and continue to do what I can as a father, court-imposed limitations notwithstanding. My goal is to cast aside the emotional fallout of the battle and focus on the objectives: Getting the word out, raising the funds, seeking the right help and ultimately, winning the war.
Though I have family, friends and a strong support system, none can heal the hole in my heart. The prescription for my ailment is documentation supporting my position, a good lawyer and better experienced, less prejudiced judges who don’t need to flex their legal muscles to feel empowered.
Did I mention that the blog is due for an upgrade?
You no longer see your kids every day. You haven’t for a while. Your thoughts vacillate between asserting your right to see them and refraining from further upsetting them. Otherwise, you’re dealing with the pain of missing them. That’s how it goes. What are you going to do about it? What can you do about it?
Just as you have adjusted to the new normal of intermittent contact with the kids, they change on you. They’re getting older. New and powerful hormones are flooding their blood streams. To an extent, they’ve grown accustomed to your absence. It’s a coping mechanism. Missing you hurts them as much as or more than missing them hurts you.
Living in separate homes has irrevocably changed your relationship. During visits, they might show you a certain diminished affection. You feel new pain and start a new healing process. You might wonder if the heartbreak will ever stop.
Don’t worry. If you’ve done the best you can by your kids and your relationship is strong, your kids are hard-wired to love you. A break in the parent-child connection need not cause long-term damage or be permanent. How you handle such a break dictates the strength of your bond as time goes by.
Play it cool. Whatever emotional turmoil you might feel, your kids are going through ten times that without the coping skills inherent with maturity. Give them the space they need to figure things out. Say to them something like “I’m sorry that we’ll be missing each other for a while, but I want you to be where ever it is you are happiest. That’s what’s most important to me. When you’re ready to visit again, I will be here for you, I won’t be angry with you and I could never love you any less.”
Despite your fears of estrangement, forced visitation is likely to do more harm than good. The tension they experienced during the breakup of the marriage has traumatized them enough. When they are ready to return to your loving arms, they will. Just do your best to present them with a welcoming environment and a 1,000 watt grin.
Love should never be about smothering the object of one’s affections. Rather, it has to be about letting go when appropriate. You have endured enough pain to take just a little more. Try to think of the rewards to come.
In the interim, focus on you. Do whatever it takes to keep your mind off the separation. Work like an inmate on a chain gang, exercise like an Olympian, read like a PhD candidate, fix your house like a host on the DIY network, whatever it takes. Mustering the motivation to do so will be a challenge, but once you throw your self into living, chances are you can stay there…at least until the next catastrophe!
Under the best circumstances, maintaining a healthy parent-child relationship is a trial, but doing so at a distance can be excruciating. The Marines have a great outlook on facing challenges: Adapt and overcome.
The journey from Corporate America and Suburbia to the Land of Activism and The Agitator Republic has taken me to virtual kingdoms far and wide. I had been content to drop frequent blog posts for months, but now that the blog has a sufficient foundation of content, I need to focus on garnering support for its cause.
To that end, I have floated inquiries to a prominent law firm that does exemplary pro bono work and a renowned national organization for social activism. Additionally, I have started a GoFundMe page to cover expenses related to rebuilding my life and hiring an honest-to-goodness attorney to defend my visitation rights. Preliminary stuff, yes, but even fighter pilots have to start with paper planes.
To offer perspective on my approach, below is the slightly edited body of the email I sent to an attorney at that prominent law firm. Disclaimer: The names of people and places have been changed to protect the innocent.
“I hope this email finds you well.
For several months now, I have endured the tumult of a contentious divorce. I was never able to find quality representation and as a result, opposing counsel wiped the floor with me. I have lost just about everything I was able to put in place for my children’s college fund and my retirement.
It is by no means a fun situation, but I am coping and I have learned first hand how devastating divorce can be to good fathers and their children. Such fathers need quality legal advice and protection from predatory divorce attorneys. Beyond that, the loopholes used by unethical divorce attorneys to batter unsuspecting fathers should be identified and closed.
I have started a blog that tells my story and offers advice to fathers who suddenly find themselves in dire straits. My goals are to call national attention to a long-standing social injustice, lobby for changes to divorce laws and build a database of attorneys who specialize in defending fathers.
Is it possible that the firm’s pro bono group could look into helping responsible, caring fathers maintain their connections with the kids they love and otherwise be less victimized by the divorce process?
Thanks for your consideration and have a wonderful day.”
As for the gem I sent to the national activist organization, a review of this post offers a glimpse of the portrait I painted for them.
And finally, there is the GoFundMe page, which can be viewed here.
Oh my God…the waters of activism are soaking the bottoms of my trousers. I’m scared to think of where this could all lead!
Who am I kidding? I’ve said for months now that this is where I’m headed. Dealing with the pain of alienation from my kids and other nasty issues sometimes hinders my progress, but for me, this is manifest destiny. These days, my ups outnumber my downs.
ACTivism definitely helps.
One thing about that proverbial road to Normal is it’s fraught with obstacles.
If I were to write a full account of the challenges I have faced these past four years, I would have to break it into double-digit posts. Even now, I face another quagmire that is a direct result of this recurring nightmare.
Some problems have been more difficult to resolve than others, but all of them together have transformed my life into a protracted chess game. I never know who might be calling me or what I’ll receive in the mail and it just doesn’t stop. I’ve done this for too long. Even marathon runners get tired.
But this post isn’t about belly aching. It’s about preparing men who will face this situation for what lies ahead. It’s a pat on the back, a shoulder to cry on, a call to arms.
As badly as you undoubtedly will feel from time to time, you must dig to depths you could not fathom. You must be resourceful in ways you never thought possible. And you must endure. Endure.
You are a father. You have brought life into the world. Your kids are not only watching you, they are depending on you, even if you only get to see them every other weekend.
Brother, and by brother, I speak of all men who know this struggle regardless of race, religion or creed, you can do this. The game of football features many “busted” plays that, through the ingenuity and perseverance of players involved, result in big gains or scores. As the expression goes, we all must “play to the whistle.”
You love your child(ren). Let that love sustain you through the loneliness, the anger, the indignation, the constant struggle, the court dates, the sense of alienation, the utter nonsense. Over the years, thousands of us have run this race. There isn’t a mud run in the world that could measure up.
The difference between mud runs and pulling a life together after the nuclear holocaust of divorce is that running a few miles a day and cross training do little to prepare a man for carving himself out a new world. Mud runs definitely take some grit, but resurrection? That feat requires uncommon endurance.
Don’t you quit.
Child support as envisioned by the state is, for those forced to carry the burden, a nightmare. You will need to summon every fiber of self-control possible to swallow that bitter pill and go on with your life. Prepare yourself.
The state of Pennsylvania uses a formula to calculate the support you should pay. This formula does not take into account your living expenses and existing obligations. If you have any hope of maintaining the lifestyle you enjoyed before divorce, you will need to replace any income your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend takes with her and then some.
It is very possible you will need to drastically scale down your lifestyle to meet support obligations. This is punitive and patently unfair. Divorce lawyers have told me that this will not change in our lifetime. My question is “why?” Every divorce or breakup occurs under different circumstances, however, for men who have lived up to their obligations, the effect is we feel like idiots for having done right by our families. This is plain crazy and I, for one, cannot stomach it.
It’s critical to state that I am not bitter, I do not stalk the people who have used the system to their advantage and I do not seek revenge. What I want is justice. REAL justice. The laws should be re-examined, the rules need to change, the playing field must be leveled. If I’m obsessed with anything, it’s to see changes in the laws reflective of the casual attitudes people carry into starting families.
Guys, I’ve tried to avoid saying this, but I need to go on record today: Marriage as promoted is often pure fantasy. This is increasingly true for both genders, especially women for whom getting out of marriage is as simple as having a change of heart and hiring a lawyer. I would never deny anyone’s right to leave a failing marriage, but my concern is what happens once either spouse makes that decision without having a meaningful discussion about it with the other.
Divorce lawyers are a fickle breed. They generally make a living off the misery of others. The more misery, the more billable hours. They are no different from any skilled salesperson. They see potential clients walk into their offices, they make quick assessments, they play to the emotions of whomever is sitting in front of them, and they go about their business regardless of the impact to the parties involved, particularly the children. Amicable divorces are rare because of divorce attorneys! How much money can they make from couples who part on good terms?
Successful marriage today? Clearly, the odds are against it, particularly when people feel entitled to change their minds at the drop of a hat and renege on vows they took before God and family. I didn’t believe in the institution to begin with and having experienced it only reinforces that position. That’s fine, but what really disturbs me is that, suddenly, I have to deal with courts, lawyers and judges! These people know private details about and make arbitrary decisions that affect my life! In plain English, it sucks and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
The good news is that this is America. Fighting against what I see as a blatant violation of my rights is an uphill battle, but at least it is one I have the right to wage. And I will. For me, my kids and any dads dealing with similar issues who will stand with me. Guys, let’s do this.