It’s well established that joint custody is seldom a convenient arrangement. Some days, I wish to Christ I had made different choices years ago. But two of the choices I made have heart beats. No matter how far away I would like to move from much of my past, there is no way I can turn my back on them.
So I swallow the bile. I choke on the bills. I bite the bullets.
Every time I want to throw up my hands, I think of them, what they mean to me, what I mean to them, where we might wind up without each other. I take a deep breath and I go at it again.
Those two all important choices I made nearly 11 and 10 years ago inform every choice I will make for the rest of my life. No matter how God awful I might feel when I wake up some mornings, I have to get up and be there for them. Bless their hearts, they make it easy. Looking into those little faces infuses me with a strength I’m not sure I could otherwise muster.
In addition to the gifts of Julien and Joscelyn Rose, I was gifted the ability to express my observations, thoughts, feelings and experiences in provocative ways. It would be a disservice to myself, and especially to them, if I didn’t do everything I could to exploit this gift to provide us with a life we might not otherwise dream of.
I freely admit that I am dealing with enough issues now to drive most people stark raving mad. Even Rocky Balboa would have to look at the beating I’m taking and wonder how I’m still on my feet. But just like Rocky loved Adrian, I love these kids. That’s why when I finish this post, I’m going to get off the stool, throw up my guard and come out swinging. I’m going to walk right into whatever punishment the world will throw at me as long as each step I take is toward a better life for us. It’s nothing more than we deserve.